Lost Memories
by AnimeWoman2011
Summary: Shuhei Hisagi love story.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Lost memories (Unless I come up with a different name)**

_Shuhei grabbed my wrist, forcing me to stop from walking any further. "I'm going with you" Shuhei said. I turned around and faced him. I lifted my hand and cupped Shuhei's face, smiling._

"_You can't, Shuhei. This mission is classified and only Chris and I are qualified to go, and besides the squad needs you since I'm going to be gone." I said. Shuhei frowned. I stepped closer to Shuhei until our chests were touching. Our lips brushed against each other. "I love you, Shuhei. And I promise that I will come back safely, after I'm done. Okay?" I told him, lips still brushing against each other. Shuhei sighed heavily. His eyes locked with mine. _

"_I'll hold you too it" Shuhei said. I smiled and kissed him gently. I backed away from Shuhei. He was still holding onto my wrist tightly. _

"_Shuhei" I said. Shuhei looked at me sadly. _

"_Remember what I told you the day that we got married?" Shuhei asked. I smiled._

"_Yes, I do. And you remember what I said?" I asked. Shuhei smiled back at me._

"_Yes" He said._

"_Good. Just remember what we said, after all I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it" I said. Shuhei chuckled._

"_Well I guess I'll hold you to that too" Shuhei said. I smiled a little more._

"_I have to go now" I said. Shuhei's smile faded. _

"_Alright, just hurry back" Shuhei said. I nodded._

"_I will" I said. I gave Shuhei one last look before I turned around and walked out of the door._

My eyes started to flutter open, the blinding light making them water. I groaned. My entire body hurt. I could barely move. "Oh good, you're awake" A voice said. I turned my head towards the voice. It was a woman with long black hair in a braid that wrapped in front of her. She looked really familiar.

"Where am I?" I asked. The woman stopped at my bed side.

"You're squad 4's barracks" the woman said. I gave her a questionable look. The woman gave me a worried one. "I'm going to ask you a few questions, okay?" the woman asked. I nodded my head. "Do you know what the date is today?" the woman asked. I nodded my head no. "Do you know where you are?" the woman asked.

"In squad 4's barracks" I said. I wanted to laugh at that question. She had just told me where I was so of course I knew where I was, but I didn't laugh. I didn't want to seem rude. The woman seemed so nice.

"I meant do you know where you really are" the woman said. I gave her another questionable look.

"Honestly beside where you told me where I am, no" I said. The worried look on the woman's face grew.

"Do you know your name?" the woman asked. I giggled a little at that one.

"Well of course I know my own name. My name is Lexis, but everyone calls me Lexi or Lex" I said. The woman smiled a little.

"Good. Now, Lexis, tell me a little about yourself" the woman asked.

"Well I was born on March 23rd. I love blue roses and the color purple. I love to swim and I really love animals. I don't have a favorite animal because I love them all, but if I really had to choose I would choose a wolf because their mysterious, loyal, and beautiful. Kind of like me in a way, well the mysterious part anyways" I said. I stopped myself from talking because if I didn't I knew that I was going to ramble this woman's ears off. The woman smiled a little more.

"Good. Now do you know where you were born?" The woman asked. My mind blanked. I squinted my eyes a little trying to think, but nothing came to mind, all there was, was a blinding fog.

"No, I don't" I said. The woman sighed. I looked at her questionable. "Why don't I remember anything but whom I am?" I asked her. The woman looked at me seriously.

"It looks like you have a bad case of amnesia" the woman said. I frowned.

"Oh great" I said. I looked up at the ceiling. Even though the light was blinding me a bit I didn't look away from it. I kept staring. The door to the room opened up, slamming against the wall. The woman stepped back.

"Lexi" a voice said. I sat up a little bit and looked over at the door. A man was looking at me really worried. To be honest he was really attractive. He had purplish hair, three scars running down the left side of his face, a 69 tattoo on his right, he was well built too. I laughed a little when I noticed the 69 tattoo however. I guess this man has a really perverted side. The man rushed over to my bed and pulled me into a tight hug. I squirmed, gasping for air.

"Lieutenant Hisagi, I do wish that you wouldn't suffocate the patient" the woman said, seriously. The man released me from his suffocating hug.

"I'm sorry Captain Unohana" Lieutenant Hisagi said. Lieutenant Hisagi looked at me, smiling. "I'm just so glad that you're okay, Lexis" Lieutenant Hisagi said. I gave him a questionable look.

"Do we know each other?" I asked him. The man gave me a very confused look.

"Well of course we know each other. We're married" the man said. My questionable look became even more questionable.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't remember you" I said. The man stepped back a little.

"What do you mean?" He said. The woman stepped towards him, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"I need to have a word with you, Lieutenant" the woman said. The man didn't look away from me. It was kind of making me uncomfortable. The man didn't say anything else; he just turned around and followed the woman outside, shutting the door behind them. I sighed heavily and leaned back against the bed. I couldn't hear what they were saying all I could hear was their voices. The man's voice sounded very upset and for some reason that made my heart ache. For some reason I didn't want the man to be upset, I just wanted to walk out this door and comfort him. I didn't know why I was having these feelings; I didn't even know him or remember him. I wonder what he said was true about us being married. I honestly didn't know. I couldn't remember anything. And no matter how hard I tried all I could see was the blinding fog in my brain. Something told me that there was more to it than me having amnesia. Something told me that someone had blocked my memories, had messed with them, but when I tried to think of who and why I couldn't see anything but a man; a faceless man. It was starting to really aggravate me that I couldn't remember anything no matter how hard I tried to remember. I groaned loudly and closed my eyes, shutting out the world around me as I tried to force myself to remember.


	2. Chapter 2

I finished putting on my clothes. They looked different than the clothes that everyone else was wearing. I was wearing black shorts, where they were wearing black kimono pants. And I was wearing a black tank top with a white mini jacket that stopped right under my breast, where they were wearing a long sleeve kimono top. As I finished putting on my jacket I felt an intense feeling of someone staring at me. I looked over my shoulder. The man from early, the one that was saying that we were married was leaning against my room's door frame and staring at me sadly. I couldn't help but feel upset knowing that I was the reason that his eyes were so full of sadness. I sighed heavily and turned around to face him. The man's black eyes locked with my blue ones. "I'll be escorting you to your room" the man said, the upsetting feeling that I having intensified when the man spoke, his voice mimicked the sadness that was in his eyes.

"You don't have to do that if you don't want too" I said. The man's gaze tore from mine and settled on the window.

"I know I don't have too, but I want to" he said. My gaze fell to the floor. A lump in my throat formed, my eyes started to get blurry; I wanted to cry. And I couldn't really explain why since I don't remember this man. But something inside me told me that I did know him, that what he said was true. But the thing is, something else inside me told me to just stay away from him so that I couldn't hurt him. I know, however, that what's going on with me; me losing my memories, isn't my fault, but still that feeling of staying away from him so that I couldn't hurt him lingered inside of me. My eyes snapped forward when I heard someone clear their throat. The man was staring at me like he was studying me.

"I asked if you were ready" He said. A small laugh escaped my mouth; I scratched my cheek in a nervous manner.

"Sorry, I guess that I was so deep in thought that I didn't hear you" I said. The man gave me a slight smile.

"That's okay, I'm kind of use to that" the man said. I looked at him with a questionable look. "We've known each other for a long time" the man answered the question that I was getting ready to ask him. I nodded my head.

"I see" I said. The room fell silent. It was awkward.

"I'm glad that you two haven't left yet." The man stepped forward out of the doorway and turned around. The woman with the long braid in front of her stepped in the room.

"I have some medications for Lexi. You're going to get really bad migraines every now and then, so these medications will help you" the woman explained as she handed a bottle of pills to the man. I gave her a questionable look.

"How do you know that I'm going to be getting migraines?" I asked her. The woman looked at me seriously.

"Well usually you get bad migraines when you start to get your memory back" the woman said.

"So you're saying that this isn't going to last long?" the man asked. His voice was so full of hope. The woman continued to stare at me, like she was studying me as well.

"I honestly don't know, but don't give up hope" the woman said. The happy expression that was on the man's face fell to a sad expression.

"Thank you" I said. The woman nodded her head, continued to stare at me for several seconds before turning around and leaving the room. Again the room was filled with an awkward silence. "She did say not to give up hope" I said to the man. The man looked at me seriously.

"Yeah, I know" he said. To me it seemed like he wanted to say more, but I didn't push the matter. He was already going through enough.

"So, are you ready?" I asked him. The man nodded his head. He tore his gaze from me and started to head out of the door. I hesitated briefly before following him.

The walk to my room was extremely silent. You could hear a pin hitting the ground if you listened close enough, that's how silent it was. I continued to stare at the back of the man's head as we walked. I wanted to say something, apologize maybe, but for some reason everything seemed so wrong to say. I couldn't really apologize because honestly this wasn't my fault and I couldn't say anything else that I wanted to say because I don't think any of it would make him feel better. That's what really hurt the most, knowing that I was the reason that he was in so much pain.

"So what's your name again?" I asked him. I couldn't take this silence anymore. It didn't seem right. The man looked back at me briefly.

"Shuhei Hisagi" he said before looking back in front of him. I nodded my head at him, even though he wouldn't be able to see it. Before I could ask anything else the man stopped walking. I couldn't stop in time, however, so I ran right into him.

"I'm sorry" I said, rubbing my head. Shuhei was firmly built; he was as hard as a rock. That got me thinking a little. If he's as hard as a rock, how did I ever fall for someone like him? I mean he doesn't seem to really have a soft side. But maybe his rock hard built is just a cover up from his vulnerability, from his soft side. And if that's the case, then I really want to figure him out. Well figure him out again that is. Shuhei looked over his shoulders and smiled.

"That's okay. Anyways, we're here" He said. I looked over to the building that we were stopped at. It was huge and it had a number 9 symbol on each side of the doorway. I put one my hands on my hip and gave him a look of disbelief. And I used the other one to point at the building.

"Okay, I know that I wasn't rich. I don't know how I know that, but I know that this isn't right" I said. Shuhei chuckled, causing my heart to leap.

"This isn't your house. It's your barracks" Shuhei said. I gave him a questionable look. Shuhei sighed and turned around to face me. "This is the barracks to squad 9. You live here since you're the captain of squad 9" Shuhei explained. My questionable look turned even more questionable.

"The captain of squad 9, are you saying I'm in charge of all of this?" I asked him. Shuhei nodded his head yes. I groaned. "How can I be in charge or something that I don't even remember?" I asked. Shuhei looked at me seriously.

"You don't remember anything, do you?" Shuhei asked. I looked at him sadly.

"Unfortunately no, that only thing that I remember is who I am. Well I don't even remember everything about me, but still. I don't remember anything else. I'm sorry" I said. Shuhei continued to look at me seriously. I was starting to get really nervous under his stare.

"Well I'm your lieutenant, so until you remember I'll be in charge" Shuhei said.

"You can't take on all of that responsibility on your own. That's too much to carry on your shoulders" I said. Shuhei grinned.

"I've heard that somewhere before, but where did I hear that?" Shuhei asked.

"And how the hell would I know where you heard that before?" I asked him. Shuhei's grin widened. Shuhei tapped my forehead lightly with his index finger.

"I've heard that saying from you" Shuhei said. I gave him a slight smile.

"Is that right?" I asked. Shuhei nodded his head. My smile grew.

"Well then I must be a pretty wise person" I said. Shuhei gave me a serious look.

"You are, Lexis" he said. Again my heart leaped inside my chest.

"Awh you guys are so adorable." Both Shuhei and I snapped out of our own little world and looked over towards squad 9's barracks. A woman with long and wavy blonde hair, blue eyes, and a really hug chest was standing there, smiling at us. "Oh don't mind me, I didn't mean to interrupt" the woman said. I gave her a slight questionable look before looking back at Shuhei.

"Interrupt what?" I asked him. But the second those words left my mouth I knew exactly what she was talking about. Shuhei and I were standing extremely close, our chests were almost touching. Shuhei turned his head to look at me. Our faces were inches apart; only a step forward and we would be kissing. I quickly back away from Shuhei and turned my body as that I was facing her and looked over at her. "You weren't interrupting anything. Shuhei here was just showing me where I lived" I said. The woman's face fell into a questionable one.

"Showing you were you live" the woman said questionably. Shuhei stepped towards the woman.

"Rangiku, may I have a word with you?" Shuhei asked the busty woman. The woman, like Shuhei did when he didn't know that I had lost my memories, continued to stare at me, worriedly.

"Okay" Rangiku said. Shuhei and Rangiku walked over, away from me and out of hearing distance. It seemed like forever since they first left. For some reason I was feeling extremely jealous and mad, like something was going on between them or had went on between them. When they walked back over to me I was eyeing them suspiciously. I couldn't explain it, but I didn't like that they went off alone and I didn't know why, it's not like Shuhei and I are together.

"Oh wait, we're married" I said to myself.

"Did you say something, Lexi?" Shuhei asked me as both Rangiku and him stopped in front of me. I gave them both a smile.

"No I didn't" I lied. Shuhei eyed me suspiciously and Rangiku continued to look at me sadly.

"I'm Rangiku Matsamoto, we've known each other for 6 years now" The woman said. I tore my gaze from Shuhei and looked at the woman. I smiled at her slightly.

"Hi" I said. Rangiku continued to stare at me sadly. It was making me uncomfortable.

"So you really don't remember anything?" Rangiku asked. I shook my head no.

"I'm sorry, but I don't" I said. I regretted looking back at the woman after I shook my head. Her eyes were starting to water like she wanted to cry.

"I have to go, excuse me" Rangiku said. Before Shuhei and I could say anything, Rangiku turned around and disappeared.

"I didn't mean to make her cry" I said. Shuhei looked over at me.

"It's not your fault, Lexi. It's not like you asked to forget everything" Shuhei said.

"I know, but still" I said. Shuhei sighed and walked over towards me. He put his hand on my shoulder, bent down towards me since he was a little taller than I was, and locked eyes with me.

"But nothing, this isn't your fault and you didn't have any control over it. I've known you since the academy and I know that you would have done everything that you could to stop this from happening if you could, but you couldn't. So this isn't your fault, so stop blaming yourself" Shuhei said. I didn't say anything. I just continued to stare into his eyes. My vision start to become blurry again and the lump in my throat reformed. I didn't want to cry, especially not in front of him. Shuhei grabbed me and pulled me towards him. I wrapped my arms around Shuhei's torso and buried my head into his shoulders as we hugged. "Please, Lexi" Shuhei begged. I could tell from the sound of his voice that he wanted to cry as well.

"I just don't know what to do. Everyone around me is getting hurt by this and I can't do anything to stop it because I don't remember anything, so I don't know what to do" I said quickly. The tears slowly fell from my eyes. Shuhei hugged me tighter.

"You don't have to do anything because I'm here, Lexis. I'm here to help and I will do anything that I can to fix this. You can't carry all of this on your shoulders, not in the state that you're in, so let me help you, let me carry some of that weight. I promise that I won't let you down and I promise that I will do everything in my power to help you regain your memories" Shuhei said. I felt something wet hit the back of my shoulders. I hugged Shuhei tighter.

"But what if I never remember?" I asked him. My voice was low, like I was whispering. I didn't want him to know that I was crying. Shuhei took in a deep breath.

"Then we'll deal with that when the time comes" Shuhei said as he released the deep breath that he took in. I broke away from Shuhei a little and whipped the tears off of my face. I tore away from Shuhei's grasp and looked up at him. His face was soaked with tears and his eyes were becoming puffy and red. I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't handle seeing him like this. I turned around and ran. I heard Shuhei call my name as I ran out of the barracks, but I didn't stop. I continued to run until I couldn't hear Shuhei's voice anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Lexis P.O.V**_

I didn't stop running until I knew that I was far enough from Shuhei and whoever else that I might have run into. I didn't want to see anyone else. I really didn't even want to see Shuhei. I mean why would I want to see anyone when the guilt inside me is so deep and intense because of me losing my memories. Yeah I knew that it wasn't my fault that my memories were gone, but deep down I feel like it is. I feel like I did want this because I didn't want to remember something. But what is it that I didn't want to remember? Was it so bad that I just wanted to lose all my memories? Was it really that bad, whatever I didn't want to remember? My head started to throb; my brain felt like it was pounding against my skull. I brought my hands up to the temples in my head and began to rub gently. The thick, white fog was back. The only thing that I could see in it was the faceless man. Who was he? Why was he faceless? "Damnit, I wish I could remember" I said to myself.

"Man you were always one to talk to yourself, Lex. I never understood why." My entire body tensed. I turned my head slightly to the right. A woman was standing there staring at me intensely. She had black hair with two long braids bound in white cloth, each of the braids ending in a large golden ring. She had piercing gray eyes. I had to admit they were very pretty and had a sense of mystery in them. She was wearing the same coat that the woman in the squad 4 barracks was wearing, except hers was sleeveless and had a yellow obi tied around her waist. She was also wearing the same black pants that Shuhei was wearing and her shirt that she was wearing underneath her coat was sleeveless as well and it tied around her neck. She was also wearing black arm bands. The woman looked very familiar. I could tell that I was going to grow tired of this, having everyone look so familiar but not being about to place where I know them or how I know them. "Are you just going to stand there and stare me all confused and whatnot? Or are you going to say something?" The woman asked me. I gave her a look of confusion.

"Well I can't exactly say anything when I don't really know who you are. I mean you do look familiar, but I really can't remember how I know you" I told her. The woman tilter her head slightly to the left in a questionable manner, her lips slowly moved upward; a slight smirk playing across her face. Her lips parted slightly, a low chuckle escaping them.

"Oh man, Lex. You sure do know how to play games with people. After all you were nicknamed the gamer when you were in my squad. You always had something up your sleeve, and you loved playing games with people to get a reaction from them." The woman paused and started to walk over towards me slowly, only stopping when she was about a foot away from me. "You're games aren't going to work with me. Not this time anyways" The woman said, the smirk on her face growing. The confused look on my face grew. This woman seemed to know who I am. But I still can't place where I know her. After many moments of silence between the woman and me, the smirk on her face disappeared slightly. She moved her right hand slightly upward and swung it towards me, hitting my right shoulder a little rough. I winced at the slight pain that went down my arm from her hitting me. She was strong, that was obvious. "Seriously Lexis, stop playing games, where were you? You were supposed to report back to me hours ago."

"I'm not playing games with you. I seriously don't know who you are. I don't know how I know you or how you know me. And if you were wondering where I was, I was in squad 4 barracks" I responded to the woman seriously. The smirk on the woman's face completely disappeared after I responded to her.

"What the hell are you talking about? Why were you in the squad 4 barracks? Why didn't anyone report to me about this? And where in the hell is Chris?" The woman asked, throwing so many questions at me at once. I didn't know what to say back or what question to answer first. I could tell that the woman was growing frustrated with me as the seconds passed. The silence between the woman and I was beginning to thicken and was becoming very uncomfortable. "Well are you going to answer me or what?" The woman questioned me seriously. I could tell that her patience with me was thinning and that there really wasn't much patience left for me to push, even though I really wasn't meaning to push her patience.

"I was in squad 4 barracks because, well I really don't know how to answer that because I really don't know how I got there in the first place or why I was really there. I really don't know why nobody reported back to you. I mean why would they? I don't know you at all. Like I said, you seem familiar, but I still don't know you. And who is Chris?" I questioned her, throwing about as many questions at her as she threw at me. The woman's eyebrows started to come together slightly, a frustrated look now on her face.

"Seriously, what the hell is going on with you? I'm not really in the mood for games, Lexis" The woman questioned seriously. My lips parted slightly, a heavy sigh escaping them.

"What's wrong with me? Well let's see here, I'm in a place that I don't remember. I really don't even know who I am, let alone anyone else for that matter. What's wrong with me is that the woman in the squad 4 barracks said that I had lost almost all of my memories. So I really don't know you, I don't know who this Chris guy is, and I really can't answer any of your questions. Not right now anyways." I could feel myself growing more frustrated by the second. This woman, well pretty much everything was starting to really piss me off. I wish that I knew who I was. I wish that I knew where I was. And I wish that I knew who the hell all of these people are, especially the ones that seem to know me. I also feel bad that I can't remember anything. More and more seconds went by in silence, again becoming very uncomfortable. Was she going to say something? Or was she just going to stand there and stare at me in disbelief?

"I'm going to go have a word with Captain Unohana to see if what you're saying is really true. And I really want to know what in the hell happened for the outcome to be this way" the woman said seriously, still looking at me in frustration.

"Well if you ever do find out what really happened, then let me know. Because I would love to know myself" I told her sternly. The woman was watching me closely, obviously observing me to see if I was joking around or not. But I wasn't and I think she finally realized that after studying me for so long. "What's your name by the way?" I asked after many moments of silence. I would like to know it so I don't have to keep calling her woman. To me that is very disrespectful.

"My name is Soi Fon. I'm the Captain of squad 2, commander of the stealth force and the execution force" Soi Fon replied. My lips curved upward, a small smile playing on my lips.

"Well it's nice to meet you, Soi Fon. Well I mean again" I said, laughing slightly. Soi Fon didn't laugh or even smile, she just continued to stare at me seriously. I guess she really didn't find this funny; either that or she had little sense of humor. I think it's a little bit of both. "So I guess I'll see you later" I told her since it was obvious that she really wanted to talk to the woman in the squad 4 barracks who she called Captain Unohana.

"Yeah" Soi Fon said softly. She continued to stare at me for what seemed like forever before she finally turned around and walked away from me until I could no longer see her anymore. I lowered my head a little bit, my eyes now concentrated on the ground. My eyes started to water slightly, but I knew that I wasn't going to cry. I felt like I was the type of person that really didn't cry unless I could now longer take it anymore. A large lump starting to form in my throat, I was very close to cracking. I was very close to just breaking down because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to take this much longer.

"I wish I knew what happened. I wish I knew who I am and who everyone else is. I wish I knew why and how I lost my memories" I said to myself softly. My voice was laced with a very heavy sadness.

"You're not the only one who wishes to know what happened, Lexis." My body tensed slightly, I recognized that voice the second that he spoke.

"How did you find me, Shuhei?" I asked, lifting my head up. I instantly back eye contact with Shuhei. I had to admit he was very attractive, especially his dark grey eyes. I wanted to look away though because they were filled with sadness and angry; all in which I felt like that sadness and angry was pointed towards me even though that I knew deep down the angry really wasn't. Shuhei's lips curved upward, a smile now forming on this face. But even though he was smiling, his eyes were still heavy with sadness. He was just trying to put on a happy act. It wasn't really working that well though.

"Because this place is the only place in the entire Soul Society that you run off to when you're upset, angry, have a lot on your plate or a lot on your mind. It's the only place where you find comfort. And it's the place where we first met actually" Shuhei responded, a light chuckle escaping his slightly parted lips. I felt the urge to just walk over there and kiss him. I don't know why though. Maybe it's because we're married? Or so Shuhei says. But I knew that he was right about this place. It felt comforting to me, which was strange because I can't remember why it feels so safe and comforting to me.

"I wish I could remember. I really do" I said softly. By the look on Shuhei's face he could instantly tell that I was upset and angry, just as much as he was maybe even more.

"I wish you could too, Lexis" He said softly, the smile on his face dropping. I hated myself for putting him through this. I hated myself for being the reason why he looked so lost and sad. I wish that I could do something for him so that he was upset and lost, so that he was just happy. The thought of my keeping my distance from him for a while again crossed my mind. It really didn't seem like such a bad idea. It would make me feel less guilty and maybe it would make him feel less lonely, lost, angry, and upset.

"Maybe you should keep your distance from me, Shuhei. For now anyways" I said, the tone of my voice turning seriously. Shuhei's dark grey eyes narrowed at me, the look on his face turning from upset to angry.

"Why in the hell would you suggest that? What in the hell makes you think that I really want to keep my distance from you? If I really wanted to keep my distance from you, if I didn't want to be around you anymore, I wouldn't be! Yet here I am, standing here in front of you after chasing you all the way here! I don't want to keep my distance nor do I want to be away from you! I made a vow and a promise to you the day that we got married and I'm going to keep it!" Shuhei said, his voice rising little by little. I could tell that I really upset him by suggesting that. But I still couldn't help but think that maybe that's what would be best for him in the long run.

"You asked me why I suggested it. I suggested it because I think that it might be best for both you and me to just distance ourselves from each other. I'm not talking about doing it forever, Shuhei. I'm just saying until I can actually remember who you are, and until I actually remember who I am. I'm sorry if what I am saying is upsetting you, but I really don't know what else to do. But I know that I can't keep doing this, I can't keep being around you knowing that I'm the reason why you look so lost, confused, and more importantly hurt. I'm really starting to hate myself for putting you through this. I'm starting to hate myself for being the reason why you're so sad. I'm sorry" I told him. The anger look on his face disappeared slightly. He was looking at me seriously. His lips parted slightly, a heavy sigh escaping them. It looked like he was really deep in thought about what I had just said. It seemed like forever before he finally said something.

"Yes I'm upset, I'm very upset. I'm also very. And yes I feel lost. I feel like all of those things because I'm angry at whoever or whatever did this to you, but I'm also angry at myself because I feel like I allowed this to happen to you. I tried to stop you from going that day, but I still allowed you to go. I didn't try to keep you here hard enough. I allowed you to slip through my fingers and now looked what happened. You don't remember who you are, you don't remember your friends, and you don't even know who I am; even though I've been your friend for most of your life and your husband for over a year now. I'm upset at the situation and I'm upset at myself. I blame myself a lot more than you think, Lexis" Shuhei said, his eyes never leaving mine. The lump in my throat thickened and the tears in my eyes started to become heavy and it began to thicken until finally I couldn't hold them in any longer. All at once they started to fall from my eyes, flowing down my face and to my neck. I couldn't help myself. "Please don't cry" Shuhei said softly. His eyes were beginning to water and I could tell that he was about to cry. I didn't want to see him cry, not again.

"Well it's too late for that" I told him as I tried to wipe away the tears, a low chuckle escaping my lips. "You say that you blame yourself for the position that I'm in, that you blame yourself for allowing me to leave. Well you shouldn't Shuhei. Remember, I'm your Captain. I could have ordered you to let me go and you wouldn't have any other choice but to listen. Plus it's not your fault that I lost my memories, it's not your fault that whoever or whatever did this to me. It's mine" I said, the tears still flowing down my face no matter how hard and how much I wiped them away. Shuhei's eyebrows came together slightly. He was looking at me in a slightly confused manner.

"Yes you are my Captain, but that doesn't mean that I had to listen to you. I could have disobeyed and not allowed you to go. So yes, in a manner of speaking, it is my fault. It's not yours. I don't even know why you would even think that. It's not like you asked for this and it's not that you wanted this. So it's not your fault, Lexis" Shuhei said seriously. I couldn't help but give him a slight smile.

"What if I did ask for this? What if I did really want this to happen to me?" I asked him. The confused look on his face thickened.

"Why in the hell would you want for this to happen? Why in the hell would you have asked for this? Lexis I've known you for a little over a hundred years and I know that you wouldn't have asked this, let alone allow this to happen without fighting with every breath that you have to stop it from happening." I could tell that Shuhei was getting slightly frustrated, not only that but he seemed highly confused on why I would even asked such a thing, let alone think something like that. But again, the feeling of me allowing this happen without much of a fight, crept up on me. I couldn't shake it this time though like I did last time. This time it was much more intense.

"Am I really that old? Are you really that old? I mean how old am I really? And how old are you?" I questioned him. I was totally avoiding the whole "I think that I meant for this to happen" conversation. Shuhei was looking at me intensely. I could tell that he was trying to read me.

"I'm almost 150 years old and you're almost 148 years old. We are two years apart. And the reason that we live so long is because we were once humans who lived in the World of the Living who either died or got murdered and were sent here in the Soul Society by other Soul Reapers. Now some Soul Reapers were actually born here in the Soul Society as people who could automatically become Soul Reapers. The rest of us, like myself, were once humans who had power hidden inside of us to make us Soul Reapers. And the reason that we all live so long is because here in the Soul Society the years go by slower than the years in the World of Living. And because of that we can live much longer. Now that I've answered your questions, I want you to answer mine. Why would you have asked for this to happen to you?" Shuhei answered, also asking the same question that he had previously asked the question that I really didn't want to answer, the question that I was trying to avoid since I had mentioned it. But it didn't seem like he was going to let it go. He wanted an answer and he wasn't going to stop asking until he finally got one. I was interested though in the Soul Society and how it works, even though I feel like I already know. But since I can't remember, I have so many more questions to ask him because I really want to know. But by the look on Shuhei's face, he wasn't going to answer any more of my questions until I answered his. My lips parted slightly, a heavy and long sigh escaping them.

"I can't really answer your question, Shuhei. I don't know how to really explain it. But I just feel like deep down, maybe I did want this. That maybe I did ask for this, maybe it is because I don't want to remember something. But I can't remember what it is that I don't want to remember. I'm sorry, but I can't answer your question. Not until I remember anyways" I told him. Shuhei continued to stare at me seriously, never once looking away not even briefly. It was a little uncomfortable having him stare at me like he was. It was like he was trying to study me. It was like he was trying to answer the question himself on why I would have wanted this and why I would have asked for this.

"Well whatever it is that you don't want to remember Lexis, you're going to have to face it eventually. You can't just live your life not knowing who you are, who your friends are, who I am. You can't just live you're living always wondering what happened and why. You can't just live your life always wondering what it is that would make you do something like this because you didn't want to remember. And when you finally do, you have to realize that you're not alone in all of this. You have your friends and more importantly you have me. Like you once told me, you can't have all of this weight on your shoulders crushing you until you can't stand on your own two feet no more. You can put some of that weight on the people that are here for you and on the people that want to help you. I'm never going to leave your side Lexis, no matter what. I'm always here and you have to realize that" Shuhei said. When he finally finished speaking he was inches away from me. His dark grey orbs locking with my light blue ones. He was staring at me seriously. I knew that what he had said was the truth, that he would always be here for me and never leave my side. That no matter what I could always count on him.

"Thank you, Shuhei" I said softly. I didn't know what else to say. He had left me speechless with the speech he just gave me. It felt really good to hear him say that. It made me really happy knowing that he was there for me, even if I might have done this to myself. The question is why? Why would I have asked for this? Why would I have wanted this? Shuhei seemed like such an amazing guy. Yes he seemed really serious and hard on the outside, but I could tell that underneath that hard shell of his, he was soft and caring. Shuhei really cared about me. So I don't understand why I would allow this to happen. Maybe it wasn't Shuhei, what we had, and my friends that I was trying to force myself to forget. Maybe it was something much deeper than that. I just wish that I knew what.

"So do you still honestly think that we should distance ourselves from each other?" Shuhei asked his voice laced with sadness. I couldn't look at him after he asked me that because deep down it felt like we should distance ourselves, only for a while. It felt like Shuhei deserved so much better than this. That he deserved to be happy. It felt like he deserved someone who could offer him so much more than, someone that wouldn't put him through this, someone that wouldn't hurt him.

"I'm really sorry Shuhei. I know that it's going to hurt us both really bad doing this, especially you since you can remember me and all that we have been through. But as of now, I just can't stand being around you. I can't stand always seeing you sad and knowing that I'm the reason behind your sadness. So as of right now, in this very moment, I think that it's best for not only you. But I think that it's best for me right now more than anything. I can't regain my memory if I have this heavy guilt weighing on my shoulders. I wouldn't be able to concentrate" I told him. Shuhei didn't say anything, just continued to stare at me with so much sadness that it was making my heart break slowly. I knew that he didn't deserve this. But I also knew that in the long run, it's what needs to be done. Even though that everything in my body was fighting against my decision, my heart mainly, even if it felt so wrong to me right now.

"Okay, I'll give you your space for now" Shuhei said softly. He continued to stare at me for a long time, making me uncomfortable, before finally turning around and walking away; leaving me by myself.

"I'm really sorry Shuhei" I whispered to his retrieving form.


End file.
